I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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