I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
