Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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