so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
BRING THE BAGELS
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
