I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
