I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Randomize
