hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize