This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
