Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Are my feet made of real feet?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
