it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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