My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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