Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
