I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
