Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
operation have a gay friend backfired
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
