the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
