I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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