The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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