he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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