The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
