I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
