I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
