apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
