1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
