Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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