Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
