I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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