Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
