if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
