I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
