So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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