I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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