Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
