The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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