When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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