She is in my trunk
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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