they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
