who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
