k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
