If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
