stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
