I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
