Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
