Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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