I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
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Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
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Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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