Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
