I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
