I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
