Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
