i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
