wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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