Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
