I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
why is half of my head shaved?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
