Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
