OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
