U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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