batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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