Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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