Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
