Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
