I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
