ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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