these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Less talking, more tequila
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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