How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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